The Catholic Virginian published my letter this week. Since a few people were fool enough to tell me that they liked it, here it is:
In her letter (CV, March 15, 2004) _______ asks “Can we forgive someone who doesn’t ask for, who apparently doesn’t want, forgiveness?” The Catholic teaching that remorse and intention to reform are required for absolution leads to a troubling conclusion: victims cannot forgive unrepentant criminals. Does this mean that the victim must remain trapped in fear and resentment, unable to experience the release that only forgiveness can obtain? She suggests that the “whole question rests on the limitations of language.”
My suggestion is that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. It is possible, with grace and time, to forgive someone who has caused harm even if that person never expresses remorse. Forgiveness is a grace to be sought: it releases the victim. As the saying goes: “Harboring resentment is allowing someone else to live rent free in your head.” Reconciliation, however, is another matter. Reconciliation cannot happen unless the perpetrator experiences remorse and requests forgiveness. When unreconciled with someone who has harmed us, we need to recognize that this is sometimes beyond our control.
While we should pray for our enemies, hoping that they will make reconciliation possible, we should not let their lack of remorse be an obstacle to seeking to forgive.
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