Tuesday I ran across The Inside Out Solution in the Washington Post. I'm glad I restrained my usual snarky comments about psychologists rediscovering old spiritual truths and re-read Douglas LaBier's article.
He attributes work-family related stress to a lack of balance between inner and outer lives.
His approach has similarities to the spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius and to Bill Wilson’s famous 12 steps. The deep need for this approach can be seen in the film, Alfie, and in the gospel reading for Sunday.
LaBier writes about the challenges his clients encounter on the job and at home:
“A lot of the stress I hear about derives from struggling with the pressures of work and home. The problem seems nearly universal, whether in two-worker, single-parent or childless households.
The reason it's so common? My experience suggests that it's because people are framing the problem incorrectly. There is no way to balance work and home, because they exist on the same side of the scale -- what I consider the "outer" part. On the other side of the scale is their personal, private life -- the "inner" person. I encourage clients not to think about balancing work life and home life, but to balance outer life and inner life.
Let me explain. On the outer side of the scale you have the complex logistics and daily stresses of life at both work and home -- the errands, family obligations, phone calls, to-do lists, e-mails and responsibilities that fill your days. Outer life is what's on the daily planner, Palm or BlackBerry.
On the other side of the scale is the inner you: private thoughts and values, emotions, fantasies, spiritual or religious practices, the capacity to love, a sense of purpose. Our culture does little to acknowledge or nurture this aspect of our lives. You probably keep much of your inner life hidden from others, even those you are closest to. You may even keep it hidden from yourself.”
There is a solution. LaBier advocates an approach not very different from that of St. Ignatius and Bill Wilson. He suggests a written assessment of one's inner and outer life:
First, make a list of what you believe to be your core, internal values or ideals. ...
Next, make a parallel list for each item on your list, describing your daily actions relative to those values ...:
· Assign a number from 1 to 5 measuring the gap between each value and your behavior -- 1 representing a minimal gap; 5, the maximum.
· Identify the largest gaps....
· Write it all down.
It is, as I discovered, a useful exercise, a good supplement to the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius. (Go here for a 34 week on-line retreat based on the exercises.)
Jesuit father Edward Dowling served as an adviser to Wilson for many years. In 1953 he wrote in Catholic Asceticism and the Twelve Steps that
St. Ignatius starts with a presumption that our power of faculties are bound by sinful tendencies and addictions to the wrong things. The Spiritual Exercises, therefore, work on the soul in both a negative and positive way. The first section, the consideration of my sins and of their effects in hell, is the negative part. It aims by self-denial to release our wills from our binding addictions, to enable the will to desire and to choose rationally.
In the Spiritual Exercises, the next thing is the contemplation of sin; sin in the angels, in our first parents, in others, in myself, and sin in its effects. And of course, right along the line there you have the fourth step of A.A., a fearless, thorough moral inventory of one's sins. The parallelism is rather striking.
As LaBier writes, when our inner lives are controlled by the demands of our “outer life”, we are out of balance. It is only by writing these down that we can begin to put inner and outer lives back into balance. Ignatius called the things pulling us out of balance "inordinate attachments." In his book, Gerald May calls it a situation of Addiction and Grace.
The film Alfie gives an example a young man, played by Jude Law, whose life is so far out of balance that he almost has no inner life. After a seemingly endless round of involvement with attractive women he gradually realizes that he has been hurt and wonders
What have I got? Really? Some money in my pocket, some nice threads, fancy car at my disposal, and I'm single. Yeah... unattached, free as a bird... I don't depend on nobody and nobody depends on me... My life's my own. But I don't have peace of mind. And if you don't have that, you've got nothing. So... what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself. What's it all about? You know what I mean?
Alfie is paralyzed by his ceaseless attachments to the pleasures of his “outer life”. He has begun his inventory. The films leaves open the question of whether or not he will break out of his paralysis. (Note: Alfie is definitely an R-rated film.)
The gospel reading on Sunday, Mark 2:1-12 speaks of another man who was paralyzed. Before telling him to "get up, take your mat and go home." Jesus said “your sins are forgiven”. Inner healing precedes outer healing. Without it, the outer healing can only be temporary and paralysis will return – a lesson that Bill Wilson learned the hard way.
LaBier's suggestion is a good one. Comparing inner and outer lives and the gaps between the two can restore us to balance.
Comments