Parental Over-involvement

As the father of four, guardian of a nephew and niece, and the husband of a gifted education specialist, I hope that every parent reads and heads these words of wisdom from a story by Sandra G. Boodman  in the Health section of today’s WaPo.

“In her new book, "The Price of Privilege" (Harper Collins, $24.95), Levine says that over-involved parents who pressure their children to be stars -- in school, on athletic fields, among their peers -- have created a generation that is "extremely unhappy, disconnected and passive." Unabashedly materialistic and disinterested in the wider world, they are both bored and "often boring," she writes. A large number suffer from depression, anxiety and substance abuse.”

Snippets from Boodman’s interview of Levine:   

“Are the increases in depression, anxiety disorders and substance abuse real, or do they reflect the fact that affluent kids are more likely to be diagnosed and medicated than their less privileged peers?

My best guess is that this is a real increase caused in part by the phenomenal microanalysis of everything these children do.

What affluent parents tend to do is to see the child they wish they had -- not the child they have. Parents have this notion that their child is supposed to be a certain way, because performance is so highly valued in affluent communities. Parental love has become contingent on performance, which is very damaging.

I just had parents who came into my office with their crying daughter and said, "We just wasted $160,000." Why did they think that? Because they sent their kid to a private school and she wants to go to the University of Colorado instead of, say, Georgetown.

Kids aren't having the experiences that are mandatory for healthy child development -- and that's a period of time to be left alone, to figure out who you are, to experiment with different things, to fail, and to develop a repertoire of responses to challenge. They have no interior life. It's all about performance -- and performance is not real learning.

Why are many parents pathologically over-involved?

I do think there is a cultural shift. We have smaller families, we have more time to obsess about perfecting each child. Many parents can't stand to see their children unhappy or angry or disappointed, which is part of life, part of growing up.

Our generation of parents is not happy themselves. A lot of women feel that their best emotional bet is their children. The divorce rate is high, friendships are hard to come by, communities are competitive.”
...
“You identify three types of parents: involved, over-involved and intrusive. How do they differ?

Say the kid comes home and says he has a math test. The involved parent says, "We want you to do well on that test, so you need to study between 7 and 8 after dinner for an hour."

The over-involved mother, of which I'm one, might say the same thing plus, "Before you go to sleep, I'd like to go over those math problems with you."

The intrusive parent does all that and then finds a mistake and says, "I knew it. You can never be left alone. You were going to go into the test unprepared just the way you always do and you're going to fail and then you're going to be flipping burgers for the rest of your life." They get into the child's psychological space, they make judgments about the value of that child. And that's a very dangerous place for a parent to be.

    My wife and I have seen this thinking through the years. We can point to numerous examples of parents overcoming past failures by reliving their lives through their children. We saw Little League dads with stars in their eyes and moms who were convinced that their child’s future would be ruined by a “C” on her first paper in a fifth grade essay assignment. We listened to parents fearful that their son would not make it into engineering school if his math tests kept him out of 7th grade algebra class.

    It is easy to do if you have academically, athletically, or musically talented children.

What advice do you have for parents?

There are several thing parents can do: Families should eat dinner together as much as possible, and kids should be involved in rituals -- at church, the synagogue, at Meals on Wheels or wherever.”

Parents need to impose consistent discipline, which will help kids develop self-control, which is vital.

Kids should never, ever, be paid for grades. Real learning is about effort and improvement, not performance. Your kid's C actually may be the far greater achievement than the A that comes easily.

And they should have chores. A lot of kids I see don't have to do anything except shine. And if you turn out kids who aren't expected to do anything but shine, you turn out narcissistic or self-centered kids. As one girl I see told me, "If I'm so special, why do I have to clear the table?"

    I can only add, treasure them as they become who they are rather than pressure them to be who you think they should be.

    Since we live in Charlottesville and my wife teaches gifted students, she meets many University of Virginia professors who are over-involved with their gifted children. I'd like to have every parent read this interview.

Comments

[Ashley]

This is the greatest post ever on this topic! I think I'll have to order that book. This topic is something as a parent of an 8 and 6 year old that lives in an affluent community mulls over constantly.

I've read a couple of good books about homework, going to the "right" college, etc, and it can be so crazy-making.

BTW I ran across your site by accident, looking at an unusual link I had from my website. I have a son that has Autism, but has reached Recovery status. It's been 3 years since he's needed any services, and his teachers and peers are in the dark about his label, so he doesn't suffer any stigma. I'm sure your wife can appreciate what we've gone thru.

Cheers, Ashley