On Feb. 14, the WaPo ran a column by Dr. Douglas LaBier on the stress caused by the pressure caused by competing demands from job and family.
A lot of the stress I hear about derives from struggling with the pressures of work and home. The problem seems nearly universal, whether in two-worker, single-parent or childless households.
The reason it's so common? My experience suggests that it's because people are framing the problem incorrectly. There is no way to balance work and home, because they exist on the same side of the scale -- what I consider the "outer" part. On the other side of the scale is their personal, private life -- the "inner" person. I encourage clients not to think about balancing work life and home life, but to balance outer life and inner life.
Let me explain. On the outer side of the scale you have the complex logistics and daily stresses of life at both work and home -- the errands, family obligations, phone calls, to-do lists, e-mails and responsibilities that fill your days. Outer life is what's on the daily planner, Palm or BlackBerry.
On the other side of the scale is the inner you: private thoughts and values, emotions, fantasies, spiritual or religious practices, the capacity to love, a sense of purpose. Our culture does little to acknowledge or nurture this aspect of our lives. You probably keep much of your inner life hidden from others, even those you are closest to. You may even keep it hidden from yourself.
The good news, as I see it, based on my observations: Reframing your challenge from trying to balance work and home to balancing your inner and outer lives will help you deal with all aspects of life -- and build overall health and well-being.
These imbalances are related to the three basic temptations faced by Jesus in the desert. Stresses are caused by ways in which our outer lives tempt us, causing us to ignore our inner lives.
Today’s gospel tells us that after Jesus’ baptism The Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. And he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan.
My teacher, Msgr. Chester P. Michael calls these temptations, (related in Luke 4) the “three P’s” – Pleasure, Power and Possessions. Jesus was hungry - tempted to pleasure. He was offered dominion over the entire world - tempted to possessions. He was told he could throw himself of the parapet without danger of falling – temptation to power over nature.
Our inner and outer lives can get out of balance through these temptations. Pleasure affects our relationship with our self. The need for possessions interferes with our relationship with others. The need for power interferes with our relationship with God.
Msgr. Michael recommends
- Fasting as a remedy for the temptation to pleasure
- Almsgiving as a remedy for temptation to possession. (Almsgiving includes time as well as material objects.)
- Prayer as a remedy for a temptation to power.
The problem is this: pleasure, possessions and power are all good things, providing that we can use them properly. When any one of them begins to dominate our outer lives stress is bound to result.
Welcoming Prayer (click here for pdf file) offers another approach to balancing our needs and aligning them with God’s purpose. In welcoming prayer one pauses, focuses on the emotion triggered by a need for
- Safety and security
- Esteem and affection
- Power and Control
and then simply asks for help.
For a table displaying the relationships among the temptations, the “three P’s”, remedies and Welcoming prayer,
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